It's the wrong Alice!
by urban-story-queen
Summary: "McTwisp felt his stomach twist itself into a tight knot, and a cold sweat ran from his furry ears to his furrier tail…."   McTwisp, searching for a long overdue champion, discovers to his growing dismay that Alice is a more popular name then he realized.
1. Chapter One: The Random Alice

Alice Laverne was singing while she walked home from school. Loudly. Very loudly and rather off key. But she couldn't hear herself, because her Ipod was on it's highest volume setting, beating Lady Gaga into eardrums that would probably need hearing aids before she turned 30.

She walked down the cobblestone pathway, doing a little dance as she went, hoping a celebrity or talent agent happened to be nearby to witness her like totally obvious hotness and ask her to be the next Kate Moss or Britney Spears. From the top of her lungs, she sang to the heavens;

"Want your _bad__** roooomance**_…'cause I'm a free bi-AAAH!"

With a dismayed cry, Alice collapsed to the ground. You see, she had been so busy shaking her tail feather she had failed to notice the white rabbit in a blue waistcoat had been running after her since she left the school grounds. In the end, he had dashed in front of her to try and make her stop, only to have her bring her brand new Wingtips down on the center of his back.

Now they both lay on the ground. Both very sore, and one highly confused.

McTwisp was the first to recover his senses. Curiously, he peered up from his prone position and up at his newly discovered 'Alice's' face. Alice returned his gaze, not daring to blink. Were the lips of that rabbit… moving?

'No of course they weren't.' Alice reasoned. "If they were, why couldn't she hear anything? His nose must be twitching very fast because she gave him a fright and… and … Oh. My. Actual. God. The rabbit's lips _are_ moving!' Yet if that was true, why could she not understand him? Was the rabbit speaking another language? One known only to rabbits and a few special chosen humans? Or was their another, far more chilling explanation.?

"O.M.G!" Alice screamed. "I'M DEAF!"

The rabbit cocked his furry head to one side, and regarded her with an incredulous eyebrow. Then he hopped forward and pulled the earphones from her ears.

"I said: Alice is that you? Do you remember me?" he said, slowly, in a tone he usually reserved for dense crickets and puppies being taught how to sit.

For a moment, Alice's world stopped. She stared at the rabbit, and McTwisp stared back at her. And then…

"Oh. My. GAAAAAAAAWD!" Alice screamed and pounced! Before McTwisp could breath, she yanked him into her arms and crushed him into her chest. With one arm, she ripped a camera phone out of her pocket and, pressing Nivens to her cheek, snapped a picture.

"You are just 2 cute!" OMG! I've gotta tweet this s*** right now!" 

Her finger tips flew across her tiny keypad and McTwisp was left dangling, stunned, from her elbow. His shock only lasted a moment, before he began to fight for his remaining dignity.

"Madam! Not only is your language appalling, but your manner is hysterical! Please control yourself and let me down this instant!

But Alice Laverne wasn't listening. She squealed:  
>"Awwwww! You talk proper British to! And you accent is so hawt! Wait till I take you to Cindy's house tonight! All my peeps will be soooooooo jealous!"<p>

McTwisp was torn. On the one hand, he was raised to be a gentle rabbit. It went against his very nature to be rude to a lady. Then again, the thought of being dragged back into this … crazy woman's den of harpies was more then he could stand!

"Like, I wonder if you would fit in my handbag…" Alice pondered aloud.

Decorum be damned! Thought McTwisp as something inside him snapped!

It took Alice Laverne roughly half an hour to regain consciousness. She sat confused and sad; her rabbit was nowhere to be seen. The last this she remembered was a large gold pocket watch arcing through the air aimed right at her head…

The Cheshire cat was enjoying a nap in his favorite sun beam when his laptop pinged. Rolling to his paws, he evaporated to his computer desk and admired his favorite screen saver for a moment. The hatter's favorite hat, resting leisurely on a beach towel.

"Saucy thing." He purred, tapping the mouse until the screen brought up his face book page. In the top left corner, the notification window informed him that 'Nivens McTwisp has been tagged in a photo.'

"Interesting." He thought, clicking on the link. It took seconds for his monitor to bring up the funniest thing the Cheshire cat had seen in a long time.

A plain teenage girl with brown eyes and pink highlights in her hair had Nivens McTwisp, page of the two queen's courts, the very embodiment of dignity and propriety, in a headlock. One of his eyes was smooshed against her cheek. His mouth a gaping hole of shock, his nostrils flared in dismay. His one open eye pleaded for help from the camera lenses for anyone to save him from this predicament.

Already, this moment that McTwisp would never let down had amassed a mountain of comments from other friends.

TrueRulerOfUnderland: Awwww, McTwisp! Supa Kawii!

WockyMasta1: I wants 1! I wants 1 NOW!

MadAsaMarchHare: SPOON!

PinMouse: Oi Whisckers! Stop flirting with Up-Top girls and find Alice! Don't make me come up there!

HatMan: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

For once, the Cheshire Cat had nothing witty add. Unless one found "Ha he ha, oh dear oh dear me," particularly amusing. It took three clicks of the mouse for the Cheshire cat to have a new favorite screen saver.


	2. Chapter 2: The Sue! Alice

"GET- AWAY- FROM -MEEEEEE!" Screamed McTwisp, his paws burning, his heart pounding out of his chest as he fled the deranged mob that was almost on his tail, literally. With pounding feet and shrill voices, clawing desperate hands and positively inhuman agility, they chased the white rabbit like a blood hound after a fox. Like Homer Simpson after a donut van. Like the grim reaper chasing a red shirt. Like a 12 year old fan girl chasing Justine Bieber. Like a T-Rex after a happy meal. Like a horror movie monster after a b-grade actress. Like a thirsty octopus chasing a glass of water. Like… well I'm out of similes. Point being, if the mob caught up with McTwisp his dearest friends, if not the whole of Under land would be doomed; for his insidious foes shrieked their wicked intentions for his home and kinfolk like battle cries from blood thirsty warlords.

It had all started out so well to. He thought after weeks of searching that he had finally found her; Alice, the champion of Under Land. Well, actually she had- rather zealously- found him. He had been walking along some unmarked mountain trail, deep in Alice tracking thoughts, when she had leapt upon him from the shadow of a dead tree.

"Rabbit!" she cried, squeezing his neck till he saw tea trays dancing before his eyes.

"Oh Rabbit! You've finally found me! I've waited so long for you! Take me back to Under land!"

"Yes!" Wheezed McTwisp, tears of joy and relief and oxygen deprivation leaking from his eyes. At last his long search was over!

"I will fight the Red Queen, slay the Jabberwocky and reclaim the crown for the White Queen!"

"_Callooh_**, **_Callay" McTwisp gasped, squirming for breathing room._

"And I shall finally be re-united with my one true love, Tarrant Hightopp!" She cried waving a light saber in the air and striking a battle pose.

"Hooray… I'm sorry, what?" McTwisp was suddenly rather taken aback. Alice finally relinquished her vice grip on his shoulders, and for the first time he could turn to see her. Disappointment socked him straight in the gut. She certainly looked like Alice, she had the same wavy blond hair, the same heart shaped face and the same gentle brown eyes he remembered. However, he did not remember Alice ever wearing a skin tight blue space suit.

"Alice?" croaked the white rabbit. "What on earth are you wearing?"

"What? This? Oh it's only my zero gravity suit, silly!" She replied. "Haven't you realized? I'm Future!Alice"

"Future!Alice? What the devil is that?" cried the dismayed and perplexed champion seeker.

"Well you see McTwisp, the Alice you met all those years ago died in a tragic fugu mishap on her way home from China."

"When did you she go to china? And what in the name of the white queen's best bleach is fugu?"

"Don't interrupt, this is my back story! Anyway, almost 900 years later, I was reincarnated as an amazing space traveler, who explored the galaxy searching for new civilizations and pretty moon rocks. I reclaimed my memories of my former life after a chance encounter with a Martian shaman. Now I understood the strange dreams I've been having since childhood! Dreams of chasing rabbits, and falling down holes and being chased by demonic playing cards! So I resigned my position with Star fleet, called my friend The Doctor…"

"The doctor? Doctor Who?" Asked McTwisp.

Meanwhile, on a deserted part of the mountain, the 11th doctor ran madly down the slope towards the open doors of the TARDIS.

"Run! Before she changes her mind!" he cried to the open air, his voice pitched with stress and the joy of freedom. He slammed the door so hard the whole mountain fairly shook, and the ancient engines whirred double-time to transport the frazzled Time Lord away from the terror he had narrowly escaped.

"…and so after countless adventures in time and space we parted ways so I could fulfill my true destiny as Champion of Under land!" Future!Alice finally concluded her tail, and looked at gaping jawed white rabbit expectantly. "So, shall we leave for Under land now?" 

McTwisp raised his paws and began to back away from this clearly unstable woman with the dangerous futuristic weapon.

"Madam, I am so sorry, but I seem to have made a mistake! You are not the Alice I'm looking for."

"Damn straight she's not!" Shrieked a manic voice from the ledge above. Before either of them could move, a swift figure descended from on high and with ninja like grace drove a pink laced trainer squarely into Future!Alice's head. Future!Alice gasped prettily and sank to the ground like a graceful and ultramodern sack of potatoes.

"Who the…?" Gasped McTwisp. He rubbed his eyes and found himself staring into the brown orbs of… another Alice! Identical to the Future!Alice who lay beneath the newcomers feet, save for the fact that this Alice wore cut off denim shorts, silver bangles and a sparkly (revealing) purple tube-top.

"Alice?" The Rabbit squealed, unsure of where to look, "Your… your… your practically undressed!"

"Oh McTwisp!" the new Alice rolled her eyes with exasperation. "You sound just like my great-grandmother."

"Grand-mother?" McTwisp had now developed an eye-twitch that would have made the March Hare envious.

"Yes. I am Alice's granddaughter. You see, I am GenerationX!Alice. Alice Kingsly was my ancestor. She was never able to return to Under land, because she died during the tragic Vaseline fire of London in 1902. But fortunately, before she died she left a diary, detailing all her adventures in Wonder land! I'll skip the details of my own traumatic childhood, and I won't tell you of how my parents died of spontaneous human combustion during my Oboe recital when I was 12, or how my new legal guardians beat and starved me and generally abuse me because I'm so much prettier and smarter then anyone in our street and it makes them feel bad. I endure it because I have even more much-ness then my Grandmother had and live through each day dreaming of being rescued from my tragic life by a orange haired hat maker with gap-teeth and eyes that change colour and…"

"You're not skipping it!" Cried Future!Alice groggily, regaining consciousness at GenerationX!Alice's feet. GenerationX!Alice responded with a swift blow to Future!Alices temple that made McTwisp wince. Future!Alice's eyelids fluttered closed and she sank once more into unconsciousness.

"Anyway…" GenereationXAlice continued, non-pulsed by the act of wanton violence she had just committed. "It was a happy day for me when my oppressive fascist Uncle and tyrannical Nazi aunt made me clean out their attic to earn a crust of bread. Because that's when I found the diary of my grandmother, and realized I must run away from home to fulfill my destiny as the next champion of Wonderland. Using my grandmothers diary as a field guide, I will defeat the red queen, and take my place as the Mad Hatters wife, because he will fall in love with me because I look and act so much like my grandmother, even though I'm prettier, feistier, much-ier, more modern and smarter then she ever was!

"A legacy of one is hardly a legacy!" Is what the white rabbit was trying to say, but the only sound to escape his lips was a strangled "hada… wa wa wa wa…. Ha?"

"AI-AI-AI-AI-AI!" A war cry split the air and a large pink top hat sailed around the corner. It smacked GenerationX!Alice across the face, and she swooned to the ground, unconscious. She landed right on top of Future!Alice, which elicited a Foooof of expelled air from the latter. Then they both lay still. The top had sailed through the air, practically farting on every law of physics as it went, and returned to the outstretched hand of a young girl with curly orange hair, a tight black corset top and impossibly short skirt. Her blindingly green eyes flashed triumphantly.

"Wh…wh…who are you?" McTwisp stammered, amazed and more then a little afraid of this strange looking, skimpily dressed girl.

"I am Serena Hightopp!" She declared proudly, repositioning her top hat upon her impossibly curly carrot hair. "I survived the Red Queens attack on my family thanks to a random hole in the time space continuum which I happened to fall through while fleeing from the Jabberwocky. I've been away from home for almost 10 years and am now a totally ripped martial artist! I'm ready to take my place as the champion of Under land, reunite with my poor mad brother and find my soul mate, Ilosovic Stayne."

"Stayne? STAYNE?" McTwisp practically shrieked. "He helped MASSACARE your family! Why in the name of all that is good and holy do you want him as a soul mate?"

"He only did those evil things because the Red Queen made him!" Serena cried passionately, her eyes changing to a pale, pearly, tearful blue colour. "My pure and un-flinching love will heal him of her brainwashing and cleanse his past. Together we will take back the crown in the name of the White Queen, in the name of Justice, in the name of Love! In the name of…"

"In the name of my Sanity! Please stop!" Cried the poor McTwisp, wringing his long ears.

"Yeah! Leave the poor lil' critter alone." Cried a new voice. Seemingly from thin air, another girl had appeared, wearing a pretty floral dress and high healed shoes.

"Who are you?" Asked Serena Hightopp, eyes changing to a dangerous, yet alluring, sunset orange.

"Well Hi! I'm AuthorInsert!Alice. I just love this here movie so much I wrote myself into the fandom. I'm here to have major hawt unrated sexy-time with any character who currently takes my fancy. Now, Bunny boy, take me to Wonderland so I can start my desired love feast. Oh and maybe become the champion of Wonderland too. You know, if I have the time, or don't lose interest in the fandom and leave my story un-finished. What ever comes first. "

McTwisp, his Victorian sensibilities now thoroughly violated by the mention of 'hawt sexy-time' (major, unrated or otherwise) began to back away from the slowly growing group of mad women. Oh, they were growing. And each new edition was stranger and more outlandish then the last. And so McTwisp did the only thing he could do. He ran.

Which brings us back to the beginning of our story. Nivens McTwisp desperately trying to escape ever growing pack of Wrong! Alice's.

"Wait!" cried one, close on his tail. She was dressed head to toe in black, with a shirt that proudly proclaimed "Screw prince charming. Gimmie an evaporating cat!" She wore a skiped colar, plastic cats ears and huge combat boots that clop, clop, clopped ominously along the ground. "You must take me to Wonder land so I can be with my One True love! The Cheshire Cat!"

"The Cheshire cat?" Exclaimed McTwisp. "That's Bestiality? You can't be serious!"

"Yes I am!" the Goth!Alice gasped. "You see the laws of love that bind this world don't apply in Wonderland! People are free to love who they want!"

"They're not that free!" McTwisp whispered, trying to run faster.

"He will love me! Were more alike then you realize! I have a tragic back-story that will totally make you feel sorry for me and make you want to take me with you! Listen! I was taken from my birth-family of brain rotted twilight-addicts by a deranged group of circus spider monkeys who would throw poo at me everyday of my childhood until I was stolen by another circus of evil megalomaniacal clowns when I was 13, and they sold me into prostitution in exchange for a recipe to make the fortune cookie of doom when they found our I couldn't juggle! But I escaped my captors before I could be molested because a kindly magician spider monkey at the first circus taught me how to evaporate before he was poisoned by my evil-monkey foster mom for being kind to me which was totally against the rules. (Seriously, it was on a giant sign outside the circus: Rule 1: Don't be kind to the human foster child and don't teach her evaporating skills. Rule 2: Don't forget rule 1. But like whatever) and anyway I've lived on the streets for the last 8 years and have amassed a huge knowledge of riddles and savvy that the Cheshire cat will totally love! You must take me with you so I can become Wonderlands true champion and we can be to-ooooohhhhhh…

The Goth!Alice fainted, after being deprived of oxygen following a recitation of her own convoluted back story which was poorly structured with no commas and very few full stops. (Not to mention little grounding I common sense.) She was promptly crushed by the stampeding herd of Alice's.

"Good." Thought McTwisp in a strangely savage frame of mind. "One less to worry about."

Unfortunately for him, one was not enough. The swarm of Wrong!Alice's began to gain on him, shrieking in un-human voices:

"Take me to Under land!"

"No! Take me to Under land! I want to be with my soul mate Tarrant!" 

"Tarrant is mine! You can have Stayne!"

"NO! Stayne & me 4eva!"

"We call dips on the Tweedle Twins!" Cried two red haired maidens, brining up the rear in… wedding gowns? By the foundations of Mamorial! This was too much!

"Mad! Mad! You're all mad!" McTwisp shrieked. Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, like a lightning strike in a thunderstorm, like the author realizing this story had gone on long enough and her backside was becoming numb at her computer desk and would fall off is she didn't stop typing this story soon, McTwisp had an idea.

He screeched to a halt so sharply his paws had gravel rash. McTwisp set his tiny overbite-baring jaw and bravely turned to face the oncoming throng. When they were almost upon him, he raised his voice, and called as loudly as he could:

"LOOK! HARRY POTTER!"

As one, the great Wrong!Alice stampede stopped inches before they could crush McTwisp. It took every ounce of muchness he had not to begin shaking like a dodo bird that has just learnt the meaning of the word "extinction". Instead, he forced himself to put on his sincerest 'would these eyes lie to you?' face. The effect was instantaneous. The Wrong!Alice horde now became a horde of rabid Harry Potter fan girls. Their cries of love for the Under land populace now became screams of:

"Harry! I love you ! Marry me!"

"If you kill Ginny and we can be together Harry!"

"NO! Marry me and we will save the magical world together!"

"Ron-Ron! Oh Ron-Ron! Come to me my little icicle Ron-Ron!"

"Snape! Come to me my sexy brooding emo hunk!"

"Voldie & ME 4EVA!"

McTwisp admired their enthusiasm (fickle as it was) as they followed his pointed finger right off the edge of waterfall and down in to the mighty river below.

When all was quiet again, (save for the waterfall, obviously) McTwisp exhaled a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Feeling at peace after ridding the world of a great evil (Ok, maybe a great nuisance, but come on, give the furry guy some credit!) he skipped down the mountain slope, past a group of mountain climbers who posed, thumbs up, in front of a sign that read:

"Thank you for visiting Reichenbach Falls. Please, come again soon!"

McTwisp was woken rather abruptly from his deep sleep by a very loud and persistent chiming from his pocket watch. Groggily, he pawed the 'snooze' button and lay in his modest hotel bed, pondering the bizarre dream he had just had. Rising to find a good breakfast, he vowed to never let the Cheshire cat show him anymore of that 'Fanfiction' nonsense ever again.


	3. Chapter 3: The Vampire! Alice

**A VERY BRIEF AUTHORS NOTE: A very quick author warning: this chapter contains blatant twilight bashing. If you're a twilight fan, you might want to skip this chapter. If you're not, fetch your popcorn and proceed with my blessing. Enjoy!**

Mctwisp rather enjoyed his new environment. It was rich with moss. Cool, soft, deliciously soothing moss that felt refreshing under his much put upon paws. The air was so rich in earthy scents even a blind man would know he was in the centre of a forest. The birds warbled songs of full bellies and happy chicks. Butterflies glided through the air. The scene could not have been more' Disney' if a beautiful princess had emerged from a tree shadow, her corset tight and skirts flowing, singing about vague unfulfilled goals that would only be filled by adventure or a convenient romance with the nearest strolling prince.

The locals were naked. But that did not bother McTwisp as much as it used to. He had come to accept that among the forest deer of Up-top, the birthday suit was very much in vogue_. _

Truth be told, once Mctwisp overcame the 'I -don't- know –where- to -look' awkward-ness phase of introductions, he found the deer to be quite intelligent, refined company… save for one excitable young buck, who in a flurry of gangly limbs, leapt into the centre of the herd and shrieked:

"FOR BUCKS SAKE RUN! IT'S ALICE!"

"Alice?" Mctwisp's ears perked up considerably.

"Alice!" Gasped the deer heard as one, the split second before they descended into panic and hysteria.

"Every stag for himself!"

"Does and fawns first! DOES AND FAWNS FIRST!"

"It's like Bambie's mum all over again!"

The white rabbit could only curl up into a ball to avoid the flailing hooves of the stampede. When the dust finally settled, his new friends had deserted him. Even the birdsong had left the air. He was all alone.

Or so he thought, until he turned around and found himself staring into the eyes of one of the prettiest human girls he had ever seen…

XXX

And then there was the matter of the mysterious woman in blue- who watched the rabbit behold he new comer- with detached interest from behind a thick elm tree. From nowhere, a voice addressed her, a voice as smooth and deadly as a silk shawl hiding a sharp knife.

"I've another riddle for you, Alice."

"Another one?" She replied, her eyes never leaving Mctwisp.

"You'll enjoy this one. It's relevant!"

"All right. Let's have at it then, Cat."

"What is the one thing worse than a hungry vampire?"

"…"

"Well?"

"Ha! Got it, Cat! A thirsty one!"

"Very good, my dear." The voice purred. The sound lingered in the air like fog.

The mysterious woman pulled a long, cylindrical object from her apron, positioned it in her arms and waited to take the perfect shot.

XXX

Mctwisp beheld the terrorizer of deer with curiosity and fascination. She was a petite young lady. If she was older than 20 he would have been very surprised. Her slender figure was encased in an electric blue summer dress that had an expensive boutique look to it, even though it seemed as casual as the young ladies short, tousled black hair. Her skin was as white as marble, and it looked as cold as her wide, black eyes. These eyes gazed at Mctwisp with hunger and curiosity.

A tiny, primal part of Mctwisp's brain told him to run, this woman was obviously dangerous. Yet his limbs could not- would not obey. He was no longer Nivens McTwisp, the educated, diligent champion seeker of Underland. Before this inhuman creature (for she could not be human, the primal part of his still functioning mind had figured that much out) he was a powerless fly, and she was the spider, sauntering forward to deliver the final bite.

Mercifully, he never received this bite. What he got instead was a rather swift yank, as with one swift motion another stranger appeared with dizzying speed and picked him up by his long ears. He yelped, and twisted around (which cost him more pain the initial grabbing) and screamed into the black eyes of a young, copper haired man:

"You will PUT me DOWN this INSTANT! I will not be... be manhandled like some common root vegetable! Release me sir! Release me at ONCE!"

The young man's face didn't move. Which did make it very easy for the white rabbit to study. If Mctwisp wasn't indignantly angry with this rude young man, he would have said he was rather handsome. There was one thing wrong with this face; it was like a statue of Adonis. Literally. His face was like a statue. His lips did not twitch, his eyes did not move. His hair did not blow in the gentle breeze. (Though that was probably due to an ungodly amount of hair gel, the scent of which made Mctwisp gag.) Even though the strange young man was looking at a talking rabbit in a waistcoat, his face did not break from the same intense, brooding, bored expression. It was becoming rather creepy. Mctwisp wished he could look away, but his gaze was held by the strange glint in this young mans… cheek. and chin. And eyebrow, and forearm. Before Mctwisps very eyes, the insolent boy, illuminated by the sunset glow flitting between the trees, began to… to… sparkle?

Then, with an inaudible 'snick', a fine pair of teeth appeared from beneath the strangers lips (and not one muscle on this youth's moved. Mctwisp's confusion gave way to horror, as the realisation of what this creature was reached every part of his brain. He was in the grip of the dreaded _Vam-meyer_. The Vam-meyer were noble creatures, once upon a time. Until they fell under the influence of a great evil known as popular culture. Now they were hollow, straw men caricatures of the mythological deities they loosely resembled. A single bite from one of these creatures would turn you into a being like itself: a hollow character who thirsted for blood, angst, impossible romances, hair gel, and more angst. It also made the infected believe that forsaking shirts was normal behaviour, and that obsessive stalking was the purest expression of love. McTwisp opened his mouth and began to scream…

…and so did the creature. With a sharp series of cracks and pops, small explosions shattered the air, and the bodies of the vampires. The pretty black haired vampire fell heavily, and screamed as she did: 

"Why didn't I see this coming?"

Mctwisp fell from his captors fingers, and pure instinct drove him to run into the bushes as fast as his legs could carry him. The dull dead eyes of the strange young man followed him, unseeing and unresponsive as they had been in 'life.' His skin shimmered, and his face still had no expression.

McTwisp cowered beneath a nearby bush and took several deep, sobbing breaths to try and regain his composure. He almost had it, until a shrill voice cried out "EDWARD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO…"

Mctwisp turned to see a young brunette, running in slow motion across the clearing. As she ran, her face and head seemed to spasm and jerk. It was as though she could not decide upon which facial expression was most appropriate for the occasion, so she was going to try them all. McTwisp wondered if she was running mad. Well, madder than what was healthy. These twitches did nothing to delay her slow motion sprint, as she jumped over a fountain (wait, how the hell did that get here?) all the while, continuing her cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…."

It took her almost five minutes to reach 'Edward's' side. Finally, Mctwisp could see her face. She was could have matched the newly dead vam-meyer in terms of abnormal visages. While he was eerie and expressionless, her face would not stop moving. Her mouth was open, and she was breathing heavily. She rocked back and forth by his side, her face and head twitching in a manner that reminded Mctwisp of the March hare, except somehow sadder and less dignified.

From his position under the bush Mctwisp could only watch. He was repulsed, and yet strangely fascinated at the same time. From his crouching position underneath a sanctuary giving shrubbery, he could watch every detail of the overly dramatic and angst ridden scene. Every detail, except for the face of the mysterious new woman, who walked from her elm tree shelter with swish of blue skirt, her boots shining in the twilight. She walked up to the bizarre twitching girl and said, her British accent positively dripping with disgust:

"An insidious ruin, if ever there was one."

The last thing Mctwisp saw was the shadow of a silver kitchen knife raised high in the air. Then his Victorian sensibilities pulled him into a faint to protect him from the oncoming gratuitous violence.

XXX

When Mctwisp awoke, the sun was setting. The vam-meyers were gone, and Mctwisp wondered if he had had another dream. Until he beheld the indents of prone bodies in the moss, which was now stained red with blood and shining with glitter in the moonlight.

But it was not the tainted flora that held the dazed attention of the champion seeker; it was a scrap of blue dress hanging from the corner of a bush. He ran to it and held it in his paws like a holy relic. This fabric, the style of cloth was all to familiar to him.

"Alice has been here!" He whispered aloud, his eyes darting to and fro. He crawled along the ground, peering in the gloom until he found something that made his heart swell! Bloody boot prints leading down the mountain into the distance. With renewed vigour, Mctwisp began to sprint after them; his traumatized consciousness propelling him forward, whispering to him that at the end of these boot prints he would find Alice. All thoughts of vampires faded from his mind; and, I think we can all agree, this was probably for the best.

**Secondary Authors note: An imaginary pat on the back for anyone who can guess the identity of this mysterious new Alice. And now, ONWARD!**


End file.
